Why do I keep fucking up with women?

So…I’m back. It’s been a while, and as much as I’d like to say a lot has changed over the past 2 years….it hadn’t really.

Does that seem grammatically incorrect to you? It isn’t. The changes are all very recent – and they are all good.

To summarise some bits. Yep, new – terrific – job. Still part time of course. More cameras. A decent year investing. TV shows mostly cleared. Films and games – not so much progress there. But…that’s not really what this post is all about.

Two weeks ago, at exactly this time on a Saturday night, I was sitting on my sofa, thinking. I’d been doing a lot of thinking of late. Over the last year, I’d met a bunch of women, as usual. That’s never been a problem for me – meeting, chatting, scoring a ‘date’. I might look like some sort of bizarre geeky MotoGP sponsored hobo, but however I was in those initial first moments – people seemed to like me.

All fine and dandy. Never went anywhere other than mates, but all fine.

However, I had been in a bit of a weird headspace for about a month. Y’see,  I’d become friends with someone who I ‘liked’ (or rather, believed I ‘liked’ – more on that later) in that usual way that a man likes a woman. We’d met up a couple of times, and then – fairly out of the blue, in one of our *lengthy* and spectacularly bizarre conversations she asked me

‘What do you expect from us…..I hope it’s just friendship because (paraphrasing) I’m busy with my own shit.’

I replied (something like this)

‘Ahh….I don’t expect anything…..I do like you, but I understand completely. I’m just happy to hang out and get to know you – and whatever happens, happens’.

She was happy with that…and I was happy in my delusion for a little bit, convincing myself that she really did mean ‘I’m busy with my own shit’ for now. And I was pretty happy that for once, I’d (albeit briefly) expressed that I liked someone.

Well, ffwd a couple of weeks, and I haven’t stopped being a bit of a flirt. And she calls me out on it.

‘Stop it….we are just friends’.

For some reason, something flipped back to old habits, and poured out a load of shit about :

‘Yep, I understand. That’s how it is with every woman I meet. I’m unlovable, I’m a fuck up, I’m pathetic etc etc etc’.

Alongside a load of quite personal crap that I just needed to get out and say. In fact, I then did more or less the same thing – to a slightly lesser extent with a couple of other close female friends.

This was all sometime in mid-Feb.

But…she’a s a good person. And we still talked. Then, one day we were chatting, and she said something like

‘You know, you need to be a bit dirty sometimes’.

Huh.

A bit dirty sometimes….. But….I’m Hugh Grant in every role he’s ever done apart from Bridget Jones. A bumbling, polite gentleman.

Except, I’m not. Really, I’m a filthy bastard 🙂 . I just hadn’t ever expressed that.

So, my effective response. ‘Duly noted ;-)’

Anyway, a couple of weeks later, and I’m not unhappy, but still in that strange mood where I was simply accepting that my life would be that of a monk. Trying to convince myself that I’m happy with this.

All fine. And then like I said, I’m sitting down, exactly two weeks ago on Saturday night – and I’m thinking. ‘Why *do* I keep fucking up with women?’

Thus…not in a miserable way….but an analytical one.

I opened up a text editor, and here’s what I wrote:

——

Why do i keep fucking up with women?

Let’s break this down into a serious of questions:

What is ‘fucking up’?

– ‘Fucking up in this context is defined as an interaction that leaves me wanting more than the other party. Whether that’s long term, or short term. In the short term interaction this is almost always down to sex, or physical intimacy. Typically, this is how I feel

  1.  tongue tied
  2.  not able to express my true feelings, or more correctly, agenda
  3.  not actually enjoying the situation I’m in for what it is, but trying to treat is as a series of steps towards an end goal

So in these interactions, I am definitely acting disengenously. Which is

  • unfair to the other party.
  • fake
  • stupid.

So number one solution – enjoy things for what they are. When you meet someone, don’t go into it with the idea of getting more out of it than comes out of it.

 

Am I being too clingy/available/’nice’/’invested’?

Almost always, I end up with a feeling of wanting a return on investment, in terms of time spent or my being a good person. I am not doing this for ‘pure’ reasons. Think about it conversely. When I genuinely help someone who I just think of as a friend – I’m doing it not for any other reason that I want to help them.

Which is a lie – sometimes I’m doing it as an egotrip, to convince myself how fucking brilliant/kind I am. I should not need to convince I’m brilliant. Why do I feel the need to parade the fact that I’m capable, skilled, intelligent and just an all round beast? People don’t care – and nor should they.

 

What is ‘success’?

Excellent question. My definition of success needs a rethink. Think about the cases where you *have* been successful – i.e. physically intimate. It has *almost always* been because you haven’t really been overly concerned whether it went well or not. You were just going along with it. This is the golden thing.

 

What is a healthy interaction

A healthy interaction between two people is one which leaves both sides feeling better than before, and doesn’t leave any unanswered questions or hidden feelings out there to stew upon.
Do I want an actual relationship?

Yes. But probably not the typical one. I can define a healthy relationship easily from seeing the things I don’t want. Here’s what I want

  • – space for both people to do their own thing
  • bringing out the best in each other
  • openness and honesty
  • the realisation that with other human interactions, there are no particular boundaries. That ‘commitment’ is limited.
    • case in point. If I *was* in a relationship that was 95% brilliant, and I met someone who I could have a 100% brilliant relationship with, I would want that op. Conversely, if the same applied to the other party, they should also be free to pursue that.

So here’s the crux

  • you can ask someone to do something with you, and don’t feel bad if they say no.
  • You should however *ask them*! There is nothing to be lost. It’s nice to spend time with others and be social, if only so that you can talk about things, learn and occasionally, get things of your chest if they are receptive to listening about things.

Primarily, the interaction between you should be focused on having fun and feeling good. You should feel good about it. Do something that *you* find fun, first. And do it because you want to do it. And don’t be ashamed of that. If you see someone doing something well, it makes you admire them. That’s not to say that you want to admire you, but it’s just a natural by product of that.

If you are feeling something, say it! Complement them genuinely, tell them it’s nice to chat, and feel like you’re doing it. Lose the nerves. Talk about fun things, big things, happy things, important things, but be positive about life in general.

Stop looking for the bad things that are going on. Stop harping on about how things are unfair. These things are important, but accept that things are as they are – for now. Things will likely change over time, but one person chatting to someone else can’t change that in a day. Know when a topic isn’t really something that will make the other person happier.

Go out more, and do more things in a social context. Look for a club to join about something. Yes, we know you don’t learn the normal way, but it doesn’t have to be about that.

—————End document————

So, I dumped my brain and I thought about it. If that doc and this post sounds like the ramblings of someone with delusions of grandeur, maybe. But it was an attempt at self-therapy – so I’m letting myself off!

And I realised then and there, that I perhaps hadn’t ‘liked’ my friend like that. Well, maybe I did….but certainly, I had been way…way…over invested in something utterly hypothetical.

OK then so what has happened…..

Well, after writing that, I went online and started reading. I found a load of negative bullshit about women. But then… I’m going to call out a book here – not because I think I needed it – because that text document did it….but it’s a good book that actually just reinforced what I had written. Buy Models, by Mark Manson.

Anyway, I devoured that book. And then I

  • Organised a new language swap
  • Said yes to going out with a friend to a lecture on something I didn’t know (and then told the lecturer a tip which I think will help his work!)
  • And…finally, we get to the point. I went on Tinder, and swiped only the women I thought were attractive – either looks or profile.

I got a bunch of matches, and started talking to a few. Then, I got another match, and a message from someone who had *actually* read my profile.

What a novel thing!

Anyway, we got chatting – a lot. This starts 10 days ago from now. It turns out, she sounds everything that I would want on paper – smart, funny, beautiful. We chat on the phone – and I say, let’s meet. And we do. And we click. And for once in my life, I learn from all the above. And I *show* the woman I’m with, who I like very much…. exactly what I’m feeling.

Let’s just say, since then…..  I’ve (we’ve) had a fucking amazing 10 days  🙂

 

 

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